Butt Riders on the Range -- She Wrote What?

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Do you imagine blazing gun battles, bandits, and saloons with watered-down drinks when you think of cowboys and the West? We don’t. Our minds go right to horse shifters, bull shifters, were-leopards, urban wannabes, an interrupted journey along Route 66, a man of mystery named Dr. Feel-Good, and high noon at the edge of the galaxy! The fourth time’s the charm as the Butt-Thology authors saddle up, ride their men hard, and put ‘em away wet.

Butt Riders on the Range…the bulls aren’t the only ones being grabbed by the horns!

Welcome, JP Barnaby, one of our Riders!

Wait, so… Emotional terrorist, JP Barnaby, author of such ansty tales as Aaron, Little Boy Lost, and A Heart for Robbie has written, shifters?

Yes, it’s true, and I just have two words for the reasoning behind this latest Butt Anthology ditty—Kage Alan. See, Kage is one of my closest friends and he consistently encourages me (some would say in a relentless fashion) to write outside my comfort zone and stretch myself as an author. So, when it came time to craft a story for the Butt Riders anthology, I reached deep and thought about the one thing I never thought I’d write. Because I was a physics major, and deeply rooted in the science and mathematics side of life, I’ve always leaned toward the plausible and realistic in my work and shifters don’t really fall under that category.

The biggest challenge for me to get over with respect to shifting was not the animal/human DNA because biology and genetics were never my thing, it was the mass differential. According to Einstein’s Special Theory of Relativity (the famous equation E=mc2), with the speed of light being a constant, there is a defined correlation between a change in mass and a change in energy. Because of the substantial nature of the speed of light, a small mass differential would cause a large requirement or release in energy (depending on the direction of the shift). For a human/horse shift, to take the example from the story, we’re talking about going from roughly an 1100 kg horse to a 100 kg human. There would be a profound release of energy, not to mention an extra 1000 kg of mass discharged in the process.


The energy and amount of discharge were minimized in the story to keep the story on a certain track. Had we used the actual theta-level radiation that would have been discharged, he’d have wiped out half the state. But the ideas of mass differential and energy were represented, which is what I wanted. They draw energy from the town in order to shift, and expel it in the form of a sonic boom when they shift back—more in line with Einstein than fantasy.

Do I believe there are such things as shifters? I don’t know. I do believe that we can’t possibly be the only sentient beings in the universe. I know that’s not the popular, arrogant American thing to say, but the universe is a vast place of wonder—we aren’t the only ones to notice. Whether those beings can shape-shift and what those physical manifestations may look like are pure speculation. And since I write fiction—it’s not really something I need to speculate on.

So, enjoy Riley’s story, and his interactions with John for what they are—fun and erotic horsing around. And to my fellow authors, I say—the next time someone challenges you to write outside your comfort zone, give it a shot. You might like what you find.

XOXO,
JP Barnaby

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Contest Begins: April 29, 2015
Contest Ends: May 10, 2015

Butt Ninjas From Hell -- Anthology

Title: Butt Ninjas From Hell
Author: Shae Connor , JP Barnaby, Kage Allen, Ally Blue, Eden Winters, Kiernan Kelly, Jevocas Green, TC Blue
Purchase at Wilde City Press
Purchase at All Romance eBooks
Cover Artist: unknown
Genre: depending on story: humor, fantasy, paranormal, contemporary
Length: 89K words
Formats: epub, mobi, pdf,

 Porn stars, holy emissaries, demons, and even just plain humans—ninjas come in all forms and from all kinds of Hell in this erotically charged comedic Wilde City anthology! Whether it’s the world of second-rate television, fluttering ninja stars, obsessions over a bronzy-olive toned soldier, or magic backsides, your authorial guides will take you where few readers have ever dared to go…without protection.

Kage Alan, JP Barnaby, Ally Blue, TC Blue, Shae Connor, Jevocas Green, Kiernan Kelly and Eden Winters bring you…Butt Ninjas from Hell.

You’ll Never Hear Them Coming!

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I love anthologies, I get to read new to me authors, and in this case, a couple of my favorites too. Everyone’s got a different take on what it means to be a ninja from hell, and from the coffee-snort title to the last line, this was fun. Apparently there’s a companion volume called Butt Pirates From Space. Excuse me while I clean my keyboard.


Cleanup on Aisle Me--Shae Connor has hell-beasties erupting into a costume store: her clerk Johnny doesn’t quite believe the ninja forces can battle them, but they’re very efficient at disposing of the pieces after. Do not hold liquid while reading, especially the ending.

Sheathing His Sword – JP Barnaby gives us ninja porn stars attempting a stealth shoot for reasons that make the producer look kind of pitiful. Cute, probably cuter if you like porn stars more than I do.

Twink Ninja Tiger, Flaxen Buns of Fury – Kage Allen plays with all the ninja tropes in every cheesy movie when he sets a twinky emissary with a serious case of “doesn’t get it” to the sacred ninja training post for inspection. Definitely do not be holding liquid. Warukatta. Or bless their hearts. Or both. Cause I’m still giggling.

Twerk It – Ally Blue gives a humorous nod to a series I think needs to be mocked more often, with her demon slaying ninja on the trail of the sex and mischief demon who’s creating issues for the purveyor of porn. I never knew there was a demon dedicated to making sure I’m dressed like an old laundry basket. :D


Hell is Where the Heart Is – Eden Winters has a demon with mommy problems- as in the Big Fucking Deal of Level 6 has Life Plans for him. Vik has to find his own solution to her demands. Which spawns other issues. HEHEHE.

Ninja Vanish – Kiernan Kelly’s second rate TV ninjas take on real ninja issues in a deal that looks like agents really are the spawn of Satan. I would like to see them dressed in their Hell Ninja suits. Loved the plotting in the end.

The Soldier and the Vagabond – Jevocas Green has a sort of yaoi story, where the POV character reads very, very young, as in too young to read this book, no relationship development, and a microscopic plot to go with the dub-con. Yes doesn’t happen until after asking is irrelevant. There is a Ninja, there is a mention of Hell, and other than that I don’t know why this story is in this book. Yes, it hit my dub-con hot button which not everyone has, but the other issues are problems.

A Ninja Walks Into a Bar – TC Blue has the longest story in the collection, running approximately 1/3 of the word count, and it’s worth every word. Dallas has been abducted to Hell by the demon Lord Nikita’s ninja, Akira, who falls for his prisoner. Dallas is darling, running at the mouth and not seeing why Hell shouldn’t conform to his wishes, which turns out to be a strength. Ki ends up rethinking everything. Nicely done.


As with all anthologies, quality will vary, but here, aside from one very questionable inclusion, it’s varying in a high, narrow range. Three of the stories are biter-bit, my favorite kind, though to tell you which three and how would be spoilery. Comedy is hard to sustain, but most of the authors managed it consistently, so applause for that too.  Much fun aside from the nasty jolt in the middle. 4.25 marbles

Don't Try This At Home (Anthology)

Title: Don’t Try This At Home

Author: Anthology, several

Cover Artist: Paul Richmond

Publisher: Dreamspinner  

Genre: anthology

Length: 290 pages

Bonked heads. Rough carpet. Burned dinner. Awkward silence. Bitten lips. Startling length. Spilled wax. Pinched fingers. Shattered wineglass. Closet quickie. Flat souffle. Broken bedframe. Shower sex. Overzealous spanking. Embarrassing ex. Lost wallet. Terrible taste. Sore shoulders. Noxious odor. Absent date. Unbelievable girth. Kitchen canoodling. New toy. Stained sheets. Backward compliment. Stifling pillow. Locked handcuffs. Aching ass. Missing keys. Torn seams. Wrenched back. Angry cat. Overeager pass. Uncooperative zipper.

 Something always goes wrong in real life. Fortunately, in these stories love blunts the edges so that romance always triumphs over adversity.
 Stories included are:

 Midnight Caller by Anna Birmingham

Snapshots by Rena Butler

Basil's Luck by Henrietta Clarke

Boys, Toys, and Carpet Fitters by Taylin Clavelli

Outbursts by Bell Ellis

Tyler Wang Has a Ball by Kim Fielding

Boy Next Door by Ellee Hill

Gremlins in the Works by Kiernan Kelly

Good Food Gone Bad by Venona Keyes

Attack of the Hedgehogs by Kate Pavelle

It's Not What You Think by Teegan Loy

Slippery When Wet by K. Lynn

Desperate Measures by E.T. Malinowski

Gordon's Cat by Aundrea Singer

Photo Finish by AC Valentine

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Oh boy. I love anthologies, because I encounter new-to-me authors and a wide variety of voices. And it usually works better than this. This is a huge collection, and unfortunately, only about half the stories work well. Most of them are plagued with excessive amounts of that which the anthology calls for. It isn’t enough to have one embarrassing issue or inciting problem: most of the MCs endure issue after issue after embarrassing and/or dangerous issue, to the point of making me wonder how on earth they survived to adulthood. The stories that have a single problem point work much better, unless the reader has a taste for slapstick. I never found the Three Stooges all that funny or sexy, and unfortunately several of these stories are operating on the same principle.

(Note to readers ER=emergency room/trauma department)

 Midnight Caller by Anna Birmingham Aaron is plagued with a noisy neighbor, and they work at cross purposes regarding the noise until they come together to make some racket of their own. This one went three disasters past my amusement point but got a smile at the end. 3

Snapshots by Rena Butler Starting with one character passed out on a bathroom floor is pretty inauspicious, and it takes quite a lot of convincing to get Alex into bed with Bryce. With disaster after disaster, culminating in words that should never have been uttered, the overwhelming number of disasters actually had a point here. 3.5

Basil's Luck by Henrietta Clarke – Basil, the POV character, is constantly attacked by inanimate objects and is one of the “how did he survive to adulthood” characters. The lead-in is funny but the humor isn’t sustained, though the other MC seems to find constant disaster with ER visits appealing. Perhaps broken glass and gashed hands are sexy to other readers. 1.5

Boys, Toys, and Carpet Fitters by Taylin Clavelli After wading through pages of backstory on the MC, his parents, his dog, his friends… I bailed. Trying to be fair, I came back to the story after a few days. However, more than 3000 words of meandering on topics as irrelevant as the MC’s mother’s musical tastes in the 80s and stupid dating tricks played by his friends were not any more appealing on second try, and damaged by overexplaining. When the actual story began, the premise was kind of cute but burdened with multiple multiple disasters, more meandering, and a reader with no patience left. The extraneous material may have been intended to establish character, but the same establishment could have been handled in about an eighth of the word count and in far more interesting fashion. A severe pruning and a major rewrite would rescue the premise, but as it stands, no. 1

 

Outbursts by Bell Ellis  The disasters are pretty much institutionalized here, with Mattastrophes and Mattaclysms happening every few paragraphs, unfortunately without enough panache to make it entertaining, mostly a function of the style. They do grope to a satisfactory conclusion. 2.5

Tyler Wang Has a Ball by Kim Fielding  A visit to the “Testicle Festival” plays fast and loose with the MC’s vegetarianism, but the things a guy will do to please a cute cowboy. Another trip to the ER as foreplay story with some errors of fact. 3

Boy Next Door by Ellee Hill Another three disasters past the funny story, but with some cute dialog. 3

Gremlins in the Works by Kiernan Kelly For as many disasters as this one had, there was also a unifying element, and very little goes completely awry in Kiernan Kelly’s hands. Not so for the MCs, who are convinced their house is out to get them. Her beleaguered homeowners solve their mystery and made me smile, for the solution and the humorous language of the entire tale. 4

Good Food Gone Bad by Venona Keyes Highly inconsistent story with completely over the top disasters brought crashing to earth with the not funny. Had it remained over the top, that would have been one thing, or more realistic, that would have been another, but it was burdened with both attitudes. This led to a character who bleaches the floor repeatedly while reciting the germs that might rise up to slay him but still sticks his fingers in his partner’s ass (source of floor germs) while cooking. Blech. 2

Attack of the Hedgehogs by Kate Pavelle  A little wandering at first, this story establishes a bit of D/s of the more mental kind, and is mostly sex. The story ends on a hilarious twist, ending rather far from where it started, and it got me to laugh out loud. 3.5

It's Not What You Think by Teegan Loy A little too much to drink at a party, and Micah’s having plenty of trouble deciding when to evade and when to clutch. What’s going on is quite clear to the reader early on, but it’s still cute, and here it’s how the story plays out more than what it is. Slapping a secondary character two or three times seemed like a good idea. 3.75

Slippery When Wet by K. Lynn  Given the nature of the injuries and the completely unrealistic response to them, I was left shaking my head. The way out of the rut may have led to the ER, but not like this. I couldn’t believe in the characters or the ending. 2

Desperate Measures by E.T. Malinowski  A situation that barely made sense beyond “impress the important client” has lovers Parker and Greg scrambling to make a lavish dinner and working at cross purposes. I didn’t buy in to either characters or situation, but the element of working to a common goal was refreshing. 3

Gordon's Cat by Aundrea Singer One of the most charming and romantic of the stories, this focuses on the budding relationship between Gordon and Mitch, who have the usual new couple bobbles, complicated by a spiteful feline. Each man’s solution to the cat problem is different, but they’re trying hard to make it work and give everyone what they need. Big Aw ending. 4

Photo Finish by AC Valentine My favorite of the collection, this story features Skylar, who plans his spontaneity in hopes of pleasing his unpleasable boyfriend. You know this can’t end well, at least in one direction, but serves for exposing the barrenness in one relationship and the richness in another. Nothing is forced or contrived here, it’s a one problem story, and it works. 4.25

******

 In the best of all possible readings, one would read a story or two at a time, which would lighten the effect of unrelenting disasters. Fifteen tales of things gone wrong is far too much at a gulp, particularly when some of the treatments are so heavy handed. I would revisit a few of these stories, but I’m not in love with the collection as a whole. Grading this anthology as an average of the individual scores is much kinder than the overall impression made, and results in 2.75 marbles.

Time Waits for No Man by Kiernan Kelly

Title: Time Waits for No Man
Author: Kiernan Kelly
Cover Artist: Deana C. Jamroz
Publisher: MRL Press
Length: 29 pages


When wishing for a way to save yourself from drowning under a deluge of personal disasters, remember that the old adage, "be careful what you wish for" applies doubly during the holidays. Robert Hanley finds this out the hard way when he books himself a time-traveling penny saver vacation that lands him knee deep in danger of losing not only his mind, but his heart.

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Poor Robert Hanley, the word "nebbish" was made for him. If it can go wrong, it will go wrong, all over him. The holidays are anything but cheery for him; he's looking at the total collapse of his love life, his job, his living situation. You just know that there's a letter from the IRS waiting in this guy's mailbox, but he doesn't go home, he goes on this crazy cut-rate vacation instead.

And of course, since everything in this guy's life sucks moose balls, vacation doesn't go as he hopes, either. This is a total romp of a story, so getting whisked to ancient Babylon via some unexplained high-tech gadget makes perfect sense, and is probably more pleasant than the journey he expected. Except for the landing. :hysterics:

Being the only blue-eyed blonde for several thousand miles makes Robert a curiosity; being naked and broke makes him the property of the first person strong enough to claim him. And then the property of the first person wealthy enough to purchase him. But it's only for a week, and being the temporary sex slave of the king beats unlimited rot-gut rum on some crowded tropical beach.

This is sheer fantasy, so a little handwaving is enough to transport Robert back 2500 or so years, and a little more handwaving makes everyone understand one another. The language is light and bouncy, and so much fun that of course you want to buy into whatever ludicrous situation comes next. Time waits for no man, though, as Robert considers the end of his week:

The deadline for my departure was nearing, and I began to wonder why I was in such a hurry to leave Babylon. What was waiting for me back home? Yes, there was indoor plumbing, antibiotics and television; on the other hand, I had no job, no boyfriend, no money, and no prospects.

This is a much sweeter take on the master/slave theme than most, because Robert has the option of not playing with Marduk, but of course he does. That leads into a niggle – there's an element of the sex that doesn't ring true, but Robert's certainly happy with how things go.

The holiday connection is a little tenuous, which is okay; the story is so much silly fun we can ignore that awful Santa hat on the cover models. The resolution is sweet but not over the top, and is almost a little too somber for the tongue-in-cheek-ness of the rest of the story, but fitting. Time may wait for no man, but the time spent in this story was time well spent.  4 marbles

Torquere Charity Sip Blitz Set #3

Batch the third of the Healing Hearts short stories. Some nice ones today.

It's a Calling, Mara Ismine

Weary of life and of his job practicing medicine, Jock reevaluates his life when an old friend passes on. World travels eventually lead him back to the Scottish town where he grew up, where he must face his memories of Ewan, the lover he left behind many years before. Will Ewan still be there? And if he is, can they recapture the magic they once had together?
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A sweet and loving story, this small tale of returning to roots and redemption takes a twist that was all the more fun for being so unexpected. Jock and Ewan have more to endure than most to achieve their happiness, but time matters little in the face of this sort of love. Greatly enjoyed this.



Breathe Into Me by Jenna Jones

After a warning from his doctor, Caleb Smith is looking for ways to get healthy in both body and mind. His sister Katie convinces him to give yoga a try, and he's surprised to find that Sasha Volsky, his boyfriend from high school, is her teacher.

At first, Caleb is more interested in reuniting with Sasha than in yoga, but Sasha has a single condition before they can become involved again. Caleb has to take care of himself. Can Caleb find balance between what he wants and what he needs? The answer may be as simple as breathing.
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This is a charming story of non-Western medicine and of youthful sweethearts finding each other again -- holistic Sasha and hard driving, everything-that's-wrong-with-the-Western lifestyle Caleb come to terms with being in each other's life again. Sasha, pliable as willows in the wind but still unwilling to risk himself on a man who seems hell-bent for destruction, has something to teach his lover of long ago, and Caleb, too, has a lesson for Sasha. This story made me smile, and it's funny -- I wouldn't have chosen it just from the blurb, but it's one of my faves so far.




El Cedral By Kiernan Kelly

Dr. Derek Thomas has a pediatric practice at an affluent New York Hospital that comes with all the perks -- the salary, the townhouse, the car, and the handsome neurosurgeon boyfriend. When his relationship goes south, so does Derek, but will he be happy with a simpler life working in a Mexican clinic with a man from his past?
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Looking to evade heartbreak in New York City, Dr.Derek Thomas comes to spend his sabbatical practicing medicine in what feels like a less prosperous Cozumel with a friend and former lover, Dr Juan Canche, who has returned to his home to practice. They slip quickly and easily into a sexual relationship but it isn't until Derek's left behind lover, the imperious Dr.Peter Schmidt, comes to make demands and threats, does Derek acknowledge what he finds important.

This was an ok story, with occasional puzzling sentences, where who does what needs to be sorted out, but I didn't connect. The characters seem like Central Casting directed them into the text, and the relationship between Juan and Derek is never questioned -- it's simple and inevitable. Some practical matters are also left unaddressed, like how does Derek get an adequate patient history if he speaks no Spanish? He learns, but he's going to be less than useful until he can communicate. I've read better from this author.


Buy the stories here.